Worst Fear
I live by music. My life has a soundtrack.
There’s always been a song, in every period of my life that just “fit”. I call them my theme songs. They change as I grow and learn, and together, they make the soundtrack of my life. My song at the moment is Fingerprints by Katy Perry.
Why all this about a song if the title of the blog post is about fear? Because this song makes me think about my greatest fear;
Not being remembered once I’m gone.
I’ve come to a conclusion. When you look at the timeline of my life, I don’t want it to simply be one long straight line with a few markers on it. I want mine to look like it was written by someone who had too much caffeine and was writing with a battery operated pen that was incapable of writing in a straight line. Squiggles and peaks and dips… So much stuff going on you can’t see straight.
I want to be remembered long after I’m gone. I want people to know who I was. I want people to WANT to know who I was. But more importantly, I want to be someone and do something that quantifies this need of remembrance. So, as the song says…
Voted most likely
To end up on the back ok a milk box drink
Looks like I’m letting ‘em down
‘Cause seventy seventy-five
Isn’t worth and hour of my hard work and time
When you can’t afford half the shit they advertise
Oh I’m worth more than a X
More than a toe-tagged generation full of regrets
Ohh I won’t settle no oh
Oh I can’t settle
I wanna break the mold
Wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air
I’m not going down with out a fight
(Chorus)
It’s my life
And I’m not sitting on the sidelines watching it
Pass me by
I’m leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I’m leaving my fingerprints
I’m leaving my fingerprints
I’m leaving my fingerprints on you
Representing you and me
Don’t you wanna go down in history
Rather than end up
Begging on the streets
Trading under table favors
For a place to sleep
‘Cause I’m worth more than this
So stop writing prescriptions for more Ritalin
I can focus my attention
I wanna break the mold
Wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air
I’m not going down with out a fight
(Chorus)
It’s my life
And I’m not sitting on the sidelines watching it
Pass me by
I’m leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I’m leaving my fingerprints
I’m leaving my fingerprints
Don’t give up
Don’t give in
Build your house on the rock
Oh not in the sand, in the sand, in the sand, in the sand
(Chorus)
It’s my life
And I’m not sitting on the sidelines watching it
Pass me by
I’m leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
It’s my life
And I’m not sitting on the sidelines watching it
Pass me by
I’m leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
‘Cause I’m leaving my fingerprints
I’m leaving my fingerprints
I’m leaving my fingerprints in the END
Can People Change?
I have had a facebook page for a while, but rarely used it. Recently, a few high school friends sent me a friend request. I was excited. It’s interesting to see how they’ve grown, changed, and what they’ve done with their lives – whether it was what I expected or not. So, I started looking for other old friends, from childhood, from elementary school, from high school.
That got me thinking. As I was adding a few of these people, I wondered if they would accept my request and if they did, what they would think. I was a VERY different person back then, for better or worse, but different indeed. I’ve seen people on there that I could not stand at that point in my life, and my gut reaction is to pass them by; how silly is that? To still harbor ill will toward somebody I did not like because of something as menial as being more popular than I? *chuckles*
It’s funny how thoughts stay with us through the years. How our misconceptions, perceptions and opinions carry so much weight even after all these years. That being said, what would these people be holding onto in their minds about me? Would the simplistic information on the profile be enough to sway their minds to realize that time has changed me!?
Do we, as a society, truly believe that people are capable of change?
Or is the old saying true: We never really leave high school. ?!
Will the nerds all be computer prgrammers, the jock be an athlete with a promising business career, the prom queen a fashion magazine exec?
How much more “Breakfast Club” shall we go here?
How much more “Breakfast Club” CAN we go here?
Just the rambling persuasions of my mind at the moment…
Deprived for your freedom, and STILL loving life…
77 days and counting…
77 days until my husband returns home from his training with the Marine Corps.
My husband left December 17, 2007. We have visited twice, for 3 days each.
He is willing to sacrifice his life, his family, his health for this country, for you, for everyone that calls themself an American citizen. I’m so proud of him!
I make fun of him, saying he gets to work out and hang out with his buddies while I am at home, changing diapers, homeschooling our kids, and, at times, feeling like I am a single mom.
It’s hard, I don’t deny that. But it’s wonderful.
When he is home, it’s great. We enjoy each other’s company, and make each other our first priority. We do that all the time, but moreso when we are together. We love doing things as a family, with the kids. The kids love their “papa” so much, we watch videos every day of him, and we send him pictures and videos on the cell phone all day every day. Even though he may be far away, we try our best not to feel like it.
Nobody’s life is perfect, we all deal with the pitfalls. Ours happens to be distance at times. If that’s my only problem in life – I’ll take it. I’m in love, I have a wonderful family who loves me in return… I’m happy.
So, please… do me a favor. Do ALL military spouses a favor. NEVER, EVER, ask any of the following questions. While most are meant in a polite way, they REALLY don’t help…
“Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
This one ranks in at number one on my “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid, you dimwit. We’re terrified. The thought constantly lingers at the back of our minds – but thank you so much for reminding me yet again. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.
“I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
Though this is really annoying, I feel bad about mentioning it because I know that it is intended to be a compliment. Still, it’s not like all of us Marine Wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious, light-sleepers who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job and we rose to the challenge.
“He’s in Iraq? I’m sorry.”
This comment, while meant to be helpful, is infuriating. My marine is doing exactly what he wants to do. He is making a positive difference in the world, training the Iraqi military and playing with children who dream of growing up in a world free from strife.
“Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
Don’t you watch the news? No. They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.
“What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her marine leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, we find ourselves having to be two people, strong in public and ourselves in private. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored.
“How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
This one is annoying to many of us whether our guys are deployed or not. Most of our men aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. The Corps isn’t a slave program they are sold into, it’s a choice. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because (gasp!) they love what they do.
“This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
I’m sorry, just how do you get used to watching your husband go off to war? It’s not a little business trip. There are bombs, bullets, and some very bad people who are bent on killing. My man and his guys are the barrier that keeps them from coming here and trying to kill us. Sure, we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets easy and the bullets and bombs don’t swerve around our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away. It’s not exactly conducive to easy sleeping. We learn coping skills. We never get used to it.
“My Husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
This one is similar to the one above. Do not equate your husband’s three week with a 7-10 month deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for comparing a combat deployment to a business trip.
“Don’t you miss him?”
No, not really… What do you think? Of course we miss our husbands. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be together!!!
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On that note, I hope you have a great day, and I hope you realize the sacrifices that are made for you to live the life you lead. With the freedoms we all so cavalierly enjoy.
