Deprived for your freedom, and STILL loving life…
77 days and counting…
77 days until my husband returns home from his training with the Marine Corps.
My husband left December 17, 2007. We have visited twice, for 3 days each.
He is willing to sacrifice his life, his family, his health for this country, for you, for everyone that calls themself an American citizen. I’m so proud of him!
I make fun of him, saying he gets to work out and hang out with his buddies while I am at home, changing diapers, homeschooling our kids, and, at times, feeling like I am a single mom.
It’s hard, I don’t deny that. But it’s wonderful.
When he is home, it’s great. We enjoy each other’s company, and make each other our first priority. We do that all the time, but moreso when we are together. We love doing things as a family, with the kids. The kids love their “papa” so much, we watch videos every day of him, and we send him pictures and videos on the cell phone all day every day. Even though he may be far away, we try our best not to feel like it.
Nobody’s life is perfect, we all deal with the pitfalls. Ours happens to be distance at times. If that’s my only problem in life – I’ll take it. I’m in love, I have a wonderful family who loves me in return… I’m happy.
So, please… do me a favor. Do ALL military spouses a favor. NEVER, EVER, ask any of the following questions. While most are meant in a polite way, they REALLY don’t help…
“Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
This one ranks in at number one on my “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid, you dimwit. We’re terrified. The thought constantly lingers at the back of our minds – but thank you so much for reminding me yet again. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.
“I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
Though this is really annoying, I feel bad about mentioning it because I know that it is intended to be a compliment. Still, it’s not like all of us Marine Wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious, light-sleepers who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job and we rose to the challenge.
“He’s in Iraq? I’m sorry.”
This comment, while meant to be helpful, is infuriating. My marine is doing exactly what he wants to do. He is making a positive difference in the world, training the Iraqi military and playing with children who dream of growing up in a world free from strife.
“Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
Don’t you watch the news? No. They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.
“What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her marine leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, we find ourselves having to be two people, strong in public and ourselves in private. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored.
“How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
This one is annoying to many of us whether our guys are deployed or not. Most of our men aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. The Corps isn’t a slave program they are sold into, it’s a choice. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because (gasp!) they love what they do.
“This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
I’m sorry, just how do you get used to watching your husband go off to war? It’s not a little business trip. There are bombs, bullets, and some very bad people who are bent on killing. My man and his guys are the barrier that keeps them from coming here and trying to kill us. Sure, we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets easy and the bullets and bombs don’t swerve around our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away. It’s not exactly conducive to easy sleeping. We learn coping skills. We never get used to it.
“My Husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
This one is similar to the one above. Do not equate your husband’s three week with a 7-10 month deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for comparing a combat deployment to a business trip.
“Don’t you miss him?”
No, not really… What do you think? Of course we miss our husbands. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be together!!!
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On that note, I hope you have a great day, and I hope you realize the sacrifices that are made for you to live the life you lead. With the freedoms we all so cavalierly enjoy.
Tonya_H said,
August 22, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Thanks, Natalie, for publishing this article!
Very enlightening. I grew up as a military dependent (ARMY brat), and while my single, military Mom was never deployed to a war (her unit went to Desert Storm, but back then they didn’t deploy her b/c she was single. It’s not that way now.) I had numerous friends whose fathers (& some mothers) were sent to war.
We lived in Germany at the time and the burden on the students at my DODD high school (Frankfurt American) was so debilitating that we were passed through our classes regardless of how well we did (or didn’t) do. The trauma was compounded by the bomb threats made against our homes, schools, and parents’ work place (Cabrai Fritsch Kaserne-ARMY post). We even had to have our school buses sniffed and searched by MP dogs and mirrors before we could board before and after school each day. Our bus had to be led and followed by MPs as we traveled back and forth from Darmstadt (where I lived) to Frankfurt.
All that aside, I also know what it’s like when people who are trying to be polite (or who are just a little dull) ask and say stupid things. I dealt with that quite a bit after I miscarried the baby who would have been my fourth. Everyone I knew (and some I didn’t) knew I had been pregnant. So after the tragedy took place I had to deal with many “condolences” that would have been better left unsaid. Such as, “At least you still have your other three healthy children.” Comments like that let me know they had no understanding of how my heart was shredded over my loss, even though I was exceedingly thankful for my other three healthy children.
I never wrote or said anything about it. I just silently wished they would get a clue!
YAY! for you for writing about this so intellegently and clearly!
Thanks, again, for your sacrafices. I don’t take them lightly. Your family is a credit to our country for your bravery and commitment.
May God continually bless your husband, yourself, and your children and make the days until your reunion fly by.
(oops! this reply seems more like a post. Got a little long-winded.)
Sincerely,
Tonya_H
p.s. I used an email address that I hardly check. I don’t like to make my main one public. If you ever would like to email me it’s better to send me a DM through twitter.
Thanks, Natalie!
CountryGal said,
August 22, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Wow! That was very well written! This is one American that appreciates the sacrifices you make every day. You have my utmost respect and gratitude.
The military spouses of our nation are the unsung heroes in this war on terror.
Just 77 more days- may they pass quickly and safely!
God bless you and your Marine!
Chris said,
August 22, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I hear ya, sister.
I suppose one thing we have that the civilian world at large doesn’t is a clearer understanding of how things work in the military. How hard it is, how indescribable it is… and how to be graceful in the face of lunacy. Lol.
I try to take it all as a compliment… and a testament to what a good job our troops are doing and have always done… that the average American has no idea what it takes. That means something is being done RIGHT.
Ellis I. Lee said,
August 24, 2008 at 9:41 am
Excellent post! I think you did a wonderful job in capturing the sentiments of service members’ families. With less than one percent of Americans now ever serving in the military, I believe most questions asked of those with ties to the military can succinctly be answered by saying: “If you have to ask the question, you probably won’t understand the answer.”
You are so very right that many of those that serve in the military do so because they love what they do and the country that they do it for.
Being on the other side of the coin, I would like to mention that there are also questions that we service members hate being asked. Number one on that list is being asked if we killed anyone.
God speed on your husband’s safe return.
Shileen said,
August 24, 2008 at 3:01 pm
God bless you, your family, and all military!!! I stumbled across you on twitter. I so appreciate your post. I don’t think I’ve ever said any of those things … at least I hope not. I am so touched that I’m going to send an email out to some of my friends and family with your link.
Renae said,
September 3, 2008 at 4:28 am
Thank you for sharing this and for your sacrifice.